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ATTENTION: TOPEKA TCF CHAPTER In-PERSON MEETINGS RESUME!!! Meeting are from 7-8:30 p.m. in the Formation Room at Most Pure Heart of Mary Church, 3601 S.W. 17th St. in Topeka. A map is available at the bottom of this page. We no longer require mask protocols UNLESS you have not been fully vaccinated. Then you are requested to wear a mask during the meeting to protect others in attendance.
We will have bottled water/coffee available but if you want something else to drink, you can bring your own beverage. Monday, January 23rd "We Made It Through the Holidays...Now What?" Somehow we have managed to survive the onslaught of holidays that beset us from October through December. This is an opportuntiy to share what worked and what didn't during this past holiday season. And now we are faced with a new year. What do we want to do with it? How we choose to move forward in 2023 is really up to us. Let's talk a little about ways in which we can continue to do our grief work, but also begin to integrate back into some of the activities we may have put aside since the death of our child. Are there things we have done that have been helpful in our joruney that we want to continue? Let's share moving forward. Monday, February 27th "Ways to Honor and Memoralize Your Child" One of the things that many bereaved parents fear is that their child will not be remembered by others as the years pass. What can we do in honor of our child to carry their legacy forward? Some find it helpful to become involved in charities or causes that were important to their child. Others choose to have their loved one remembered through a tangible gift like a scholarship in their name. There are many possibilities to honor that special life. Let's talk about ways to honor out child's memory. Monday, March 27th "Signs, Symbols and Dreams" At this meeting we can talk about unusual happenings we may have experienced since the death of our child, grandchild or sibling. Bereaved people often talk about something that has happened to them that made them feel as though they were somehow contacted or felt mor connectd to their loved one. These experiences might include sensing a presence, hearing a voice, seeing a symbol of something (like a butterfly, a flower, other) that they connect with their child, etc. Sometimes dreams about our child can be comforting, sometimes unsettling. This meeting offers us the opportutiy to share such events and experiences in an open and nonjudgemental setting. Monday, April 24th “Relationships: How They Changed Since the Death of My Child” Every relationship you have undergoes some changes following the death of your child. Some will be stronger. Some will weaken and may break up altogether. How has your relationship changed with 1) your spouse, 2) your surviving children, 3) your friends, 4) your co-workers or 5) other members of your family? Has the way they have reacted to your handling of your grief impacted these changes (i.e. family who doesn’t want to “talk about it”; friends who avoid mentioning your child’s name, etc.)? Monday, May 22nd “Tangible and Intangible Gifts from Our Children” It is often much easier in our grief to focus only on the things we have lost with the death of our child, grandchild or sibling. For this meeting we will shift the focus to the many “gifts” – tangible and intangible – that our loved ones have left behind for us. How has having had them in our lives changed our perspective on life and how we live it? What lessons did they teach us that we are only now becoming aware of? Has our grief also brought us lessons in how to live a richer, more meaningful life? Let’s look for and share those “gifts” and how they changed us as people. Monday, June 26th “It’s All on the Table” At this meeting the discussion is open to any subject the group would like to take on. What question have you always wanted to ask but didn’t? Is there something about your grief journey that has been troubling you and you would welcome suggestions and support from the group about handling it? Sometimes it is difficult to bring up a subject because you may feel you are the only one experiencing the issues/problem. But you might be surprised to learn others have had the same issue/problem. Let’s let this meeting be an opportunity to open up to whatever topics, thoughts, problems you would like to bring up for discussion. You are in a safe space to do so.
Monday, July 24th "Know Me, Know My Child"
This is an opportunity for all Chapter members to talk about their children.
All are encouraged to bring a picture, poem, song, favorite toy, piece
of clothing, etc. and share it
with the group as they talk about their beloved child. We feel it is important to not only know me,
but to know who my child was, that my child lived and made an impact and a
difference. While tears may flow at this
program, it offers bereaved parents a chance to do what they need
most--remember and talk about their child in an atmosphere of caring and
acceptance.
PLEASE NOTE: For the July meeting, we will be meeting in a different location at Most Pure Heart. We will be meeting in the basement of the church office building which is south across the parking lot from our regular building. Please follow signs that will be posted directing you to the location.
Monday, August 28th "Fear and the Grief Journey" Many parents find that how they view things and how they react (or don't react) to various situations may change following the death of their child. One thing often expressed is our sense of fear. How has this loss affected your sense of fear? What do youfear now and what do you no longer fear? Are we more realistic now about what we fear or has this loss intensified our sense of fear? This meeting will offer us the opportunity to talk about fear and how it may impact our grief journey. Monday, September 25th "Men to the Right, Women to the Left" It is a well known supposition that the grieving styles of men and women can be very different. Sometimes this can cause conflict in a realtionship following the death of a child. The group will meet together for preliminary announcements and introductions, and then will divide by sex to discuss topics that are gender-specific. This meeting is an opportunity to be open about your feelings and concerne in not only dealing with your own grief, but alo in trying to be more tolerant and supportive of the ways others in your circle many be handling their grief.
Monday, October 23rd "Handling the Holidays" Beginning with Halloween and running through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah and New Year’s, as grievers we are faced with the onslaught of holiday activities and “cheer” which we may find difficult and hard to deal with. At this meeting we will discuss some strategies for making this time of year less stressful. We will also talk about ways to include your loved ones in whatever holiday traditions you are comfortable with. Plan to share any ideas that have been helpful for you in handling the holidays. We can all learn from each other’s experiences. Monday, November 27th "Good Grief Rituals"
Many parents have found that having
rituals to incorporate as part of special days (birthdays, death anniversaries, holidays,
etc.) have been helpful to them in getting through these especially emotionally
daunting days. We will discuss why people have rituals, what constitutes a
ritual, what makes a ritual meaningful and present ideas for rituals to use in
remembering and memorializing your child. Group members are encouraged to share the rituals they
have found meaningful and helpful to them.
Monday, December 11th "Memorial Candle Lighting" NOTE: Date Change Please plan to join us for this special event to honor the lives of our children, grandchildren and siblings who “left too soon”. You are asked to bring a framed desktop photo of your loved one (if you do not have photos, plan to bring something that represents them to you). During the Candle Lighting we will share special music, poetry and each person will have an opportunity to light a votive candle in memory of that special life and place that candle by their photo/memento. You are encouraged to bring your or your child’s favorite holiday treat to share with the group. Votive candles are provided. PLEASE NOTE DATE CHANGE: This event takes the place of our regular December support group meeting.
"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak
whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break."
~William Shakespeare
INCLEMENT WEATHER NOTE: We try never to have to cancel a meeting, however if the weather is severe, please check local media outlets for cancellation announcements. Generally in winter, if USD 501 has cancelled school because of unsafe driving conditions, our TCF meeting will also be cancelled.
Topeka TCF Meeting Information/ Ground Rules
A Compassionate Friends meeting offers the opportunity to speak freely about all parts of the grief experience. We ask only that the participants observe some basic ground rules designed to make everyone more comfortable and secure. We want these meetings to be a “safe haven” for all those grieving the death of a child, grandchild or sibling.
- The group offers the freedom of complete honesty. Say whatever is in your heart – not what you think others want to hear.
- Tears are a necessary and important part of the healing process, and a Compassionate Friends meeting is the one place you can cry as openly as you wish. Everyone here understands in a very special way.
- Accept each person just as they are – regardless of what they say or do. Each person’s grief experience is unique. No one should be shocked or impatient with anyone else. The opportunity to be sensitive to the needs of others is a healing and growing experience. We know we are making real progress when “our mirrors start becoming windows”.
- We encourage everyone to share something during the discussion. Sometimes memories are simply too new and painful, emotions may be too strong to enable us to speak. Please know that we understand if you choose not to speak for whatever reason. You are never required to participate if you don’t want to - much may be learned by just listening.
- Everyone should have an opportunity to share during the discussion if they want to. Try not to monopolize the conversation. Some of us may need to talk more at different times; each meeting is unique in this respect.
- Attending a Compassionate Friends meeting does not obligate you to a single thing. You have the freedom to attend as often or as seldom as you wish. You may wish to continue coming to meetings as long as you feel you are being helped or are reaching out to help the more newly bereaved.
- TCF is non-denominational and non-sectarian. We care for ALL bereaved parents, regardless of race, religious creed, social status, age or language. It makes no difference if your child was young or old or what the cause of death may have been. We are a family broken by grief, but mended by love.
- There are never any individual dues or membership fees to participate. We do have some financial needs, such as the newsletter and special memorial events, but they have to be met through voluntary contributions, love gifts, and fundraising efforts.
- Please respect the privacy of each person who comes to our group. Please do not share what you hear at this group with friends or family. Everyone must agree that all information shared within this group, stays within the group and will remain private and confidential. It is important to create an atmosphere of trust in order for us to be able to share our deepest emotions.
- We will hear many heartbreaking stories during the meetings. You should not add their sadness to your own, but understand that such opportunities to share are an important part of the healing process.
- If this is your first meeting, you may feel overwhelmed, but please try to attend at least three meetings before you decide if this group will be helpful for you. Each month we will cover a different topic that may help you on your grief journey. Be aware that some people may actually feel worse after their first meeting – this is likely because they have had the opportunity to come face-to-face with the reality of their loss. Please do not let this discourage you from trying another meeting. It takes courage to attend, but the benefits can be enormous.
- We want everyone to be as comfortable as possible at the meetings and therefore keep them informal by design. If you need to get up and walk around or take a small “time out” by leaving the meeting for a few minutes, that is perfectly OK.
- Our meetings are non-smoking meetings. If you wish to smoke, please step outside the building to do so and please do not leave cigarette butts on church property.
- We ask that you either turn off or turn cell phones and pagers to “vibrate” mode during the meetings. We realize that sometimes you need to be reachable by phone, but we do not want to disturb the discussion by having phones ringing.
- We make every effort to officially break the meeting at 8:30 p.m. for those who may need to leave. However, we invite you to stay if you like to have refreshments and have time to get to know the members of our group.
- We are each other’s greatest source of support, for we understand as others cannot, the depth and complexity of the grief experience following the death of our beloved child, grandchild or sibling.
Common Meeting Questions
 How do I know if it's too soon after my child's death to attend?
No one can say with certainty when is the right time to come to a meeting. Sometimes family members come shortly after the child has died while other times they wait longer. Some people who attend shortly after the child's death may decide not to come back until they're more ready. This is a personal decision.
Do I need a reservation before I come to a meeting?
No reservations are needed. Just come whenever you feel up to it.
If I go to a meeting, will I have to talk?
No one is required to talk at any meeting. We understand how difficult that can be when our grief is so fresh. We do ask that you listen, however.
Is there a charge to attend?
There is never a charge to attend a TCF meeting. Our chapters rely on voluntary donations from members, friends, and the community at large.
My child was an adult and didn't live at home. Can I still go to a meeting?
Chapter meetings are open to all families that have experienced the death of a child, at any age, from any cause. Regardless of our child's age, we in TCF believe our children will always be thought of as just that...our children.
My spouse won't come with me. Can I come alone?
Yes. We all grieve differently and your spouse or significant other may not be ready to take part just yet...or ever.
Can I bring a friend with me the first time for support?
Of course, you can bring a friend, but we ask that they, as well as all members, respect each other's privacy. It is important for us to be able to share freely within our group and be sure confidences will be respected.
Do men attend meetings?
Yes. Many chapters are divided almost evenly between men and women while others are not. Men grieve, too, and are welcome to attend meetings for support.
What happens at a meeting?
Some meetings we simply introduce ourselves and share our thoughts and feelings. At other times, chapters have short programs before or after the sharing time. The programs may include a brief guest speaker, viewing a videotape, or listening to an audiotape or CD. Chapters usually have special months when they hold a balloon launch or have a memorial candle lighting.
My child died from _____. Will I still be welcome?
Yes. All families that have experienced the death of a child at any age, from any cause, are welcome.
Religion doesn't matter to me anymore. Can people at a meeting accept that?
The Compassionate Friends has no religious affiliation. You will find TCF members are very tolerant of any views. After the death of a child, many priorities, as well as values, change.
I notice the meeting is in a church. Do I have to belong to a church to attend?
While TCF has no religious affiliation, chapter meetings are held in a wide variety of locations depending upon what is available in our communities.
I have babysitting problems. Would it be all right to bring my five-year-old with me?
While we understand the difficulties of finding childcare, we must ask that any children attending with you be old enough to understand the meeting discussions and not be upset by them. Some chapters have sibling groups for children twelve or older; check with your local chapter.
My child died seven years ago, and I postponed my grief work. Now it's catching up with me. Is it too late to come now?
We all grieve differently. Many parents don't feel the need for a support group until years after the death of a child. It's all right to come whenever you are ready, whether it's soon after your child's death, months later, or years later.
How long do people come to meetings?
People attend meetings until they no longer feel a need. Some attend just a few meetings while others come for years. Some are so thankful for the helpful support they've received that they stay to help in chapter leadership so they can be there for the next persons who walk through the doors seeking help.
Why is it that TCF recommends that I attend three meetings before deciding if it's for me?
Often, the first meeting brings a lot of emotions to the surface and this may make the first meeting difficult. Some say that they bring home the pain of others after listening to their stories. Attending three meetings gives you time enough to allow your emotions to even out and to understand that in sharing there is healing.
MOST PURE HEART OF MARY CATHOLIC CHURCH
3601 SW 17th St
Topeka, Kansas
We meet in the Formation Room of Most Pure Heart. It is best to try and park in the west parking lot in front of the brick building that is adjacent to the church itself. Walk up towards the covered walkway between the church and this building and enter through the door on the north side. There will be signs beginning at that doorway that will direct you to the Formation Room meeting site.
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